Hello and welcome to this week’s edition of The Bell!
It’s the week before Thanksgiving which means we’re officially in *the holiday season.* People are traveling. People are busy and over-scheduled. Even if you’re the most festive person on the planet (hi!), this time of year can be stressful and hard for a number of reasons.
I think a lovely way to spread cheer (any time of year, but especially now) is the ding dong ditch.
What?
Yes, like when you were a kid and rang your neighbor’s doorbell, then ran away as fast as you could, giggling. But instead of just running away, this time you leave a little treat. Or a note. Or flowers.
It shows your loved one that you’re thinking about them, while asking absolutely nothing of them in return, in terms of time or energy. I think there’s something extremely generous about a gesture that says, “I’m thinking about you, you don’t even have to come outside, I know you’re busy and don’t want to assume you have time or energy for a chat right now, I just wanted to brighten your day, we’ll talk soon, xoxo.”
The U.S. Postal Service can also do the doorbell ringing on your behalf for faraway friends. And adjacent to the ding dong ditch is the “I’m at the grocery store/pharmacy/coffee shop, can I grab anything for you?” text.
I’ve been the recipient of several ding dong ditches lately—in person and through the mail—most recently on the afternoon we got back from France. After a long, exhausting travel day and returning home to an empty fridge and pantry, the last thing I wanted to do was go to the grocery store. My sweet friend anticipated this and left a bag in our vestibule with breakfast for the following morning, along with a funny welcome home note. I was so grateful for her thoughtfulness and care!
I’ll raise my hand and say it can be hard to both ask for and accept help. I know I’m not alone in this. We live in a culture that values self-sufficiency and individuality, and often teaches that needing support is a sign of weakness or failure. (Even if intellectually we know it’s not, it makes sense that a lot of us have internalized that message.)
The beauty of the ding dong ditch is that it takes asking for help out of the equation and just delivers support (emotional, temporal, gastronomical, etc.) to someone whether they need it or not. Actually, let me revise that. Who among us doesn’t need a hand, or wouldn’t welcome a sign that someone is thinking of us?
We all need support—and we’re all in a position to be able to provide support of some kind, no matter how small. Why not move fluidly between the two? This time of year, we all need some help in some areas and we can give help in others. We can be the person dropping off a casserole one day and receiving a bouquet of flowers the next. If it’s the season of giving, that means it’s the season of receiving, too. It’s important to learn to receive gifts, and not just of the physical kind on one designated day.
Related…
I think we need to bring back the drop-by. Cup of Jo scooped me on this idea recently, but I’ll add my voice of support here rather than giving it a whole newsletter.
If you’re in the neighborhood of a friend’s house and aren’t in a rush, I think you should pull up and ring the doorbell and not run away. Or send a text that you’re near and would love to drop by. Seriously!
I think we all plan future hangouts way too much and that sets us up to only see friends every six weeks or so (at most!), but I have a theory that most people actually have at least 30 minutes to spare if you catch them at home. (Joanna recommended 5-20 min; I think any amount of time is fine and both parties should speak up for themselves and their availability/needs.)
I know this is controversial! Some people hate unscheduled drop-bys, unscheduled phone calls, unscheduled anything.
But consider this for a second. There’s a special magic to a little bit of friend time that you weren’t expecting. Imagine answering the door to see your friend’s smiling face when you were just doing mundane home stuff—how exciting! Then inviting them in for a glass of wine, or walking the dog around the block together, or including them in your kid’s bedtime routine. Suddenly you made a special memory on an afternoon or evening that would have been like every other. When you drop by, you give that gift to both of you.
As the dropper, show up empty handed or with cookies or some in-season fruit if that’s convenient. But don’t make the lack of gift a barrier to dropping by. I think we don’t knock because we’re afraid our showing up randomly will be a burden. But what if (see paragraph above) it’s a gift?
As the droppee, it doesn’t matter how your house or hair looks. Let your friend come in and see your mess. I think we often bar friendship from the intimate parts of life that seem boring or mundane or messy. We get spruced up and go out for coffee, drinks, dinner, the museum, a movie. We think we have to pause the regular stuff of life to make space for friendship—no wonder there’s not much space! Most of life is regular stuff. What if we invited friends into the regularness that’s usually reserved for family? Running errands together, meal planning for the week, accompanying each other to doctor appointments, doing the school run, having weeknight dinners? What if we really let each other in?
Boston people (or non-Boston people who happen to be in town), this is permission to drop by my house at any time. Even though I’m pretty introverted, I always welcome random drop-bys. This also goes for a surprise FaceTime!
What about you? Would you welcome a drop-by? Have you done a ding dong ditch? Let me know in the comments.
I hope you’re having a great week, and I hope you have the chance to both give and receive.
xx Jane
P.S. I’m back in Boston and back on my game this week, and there will be a Friday newsletter going forward. I’m sorry about missing last week and thank you for your patience during a chaotic period!
Good positive thoughts!
I love this concept! Recently, though, I proposed a casual, quick drop by & got turned down (for a house being messy). While I fully understand, it also stung a bit & discouraged me from trying again. I wish we all did this more often & normalized it.