Tiptoeing towards spontaneity
An experiment in removing (some of) the barriers to maintaining friendships
Hello and welcome to this week’s conversation!
Raise your hand if you’ve had some version of the following exchange:
You: Hey girl, want to get together soon?
Friend: Totally! I’m free three weeks from now for two hours on Saturday.
You: Shoot! I already have something then. What about five weeks from now on Thursday night?
Friend: It’s a date, see you then!
Weeks pass and the momentum fades. You’re still happy to see them, but every hang out gets devoted to catching up on the events of the past several months, then there’s no time left to get into anything deeper, to talk about something you’re obsessed with right now, to process a weird interaction you had yesterday.
I have some friends in Boston who I only see a few times a year because of this never-ending negotiation between over-packed schedules.
It feels like spontaneity has been dead for some time. Everyone has so much going on all the time and it’s all planned so far in advance. We’re all spread so thin.
But I find frequent chit-chat and processing-out-loud to be necessary to mental health and a strong sense of friendship and community. Especially because things change so fast in our world! I want to know what my friends and loved ones are thinking about and how that’s changing on a week-by-week basis. I want to follow their personal evolutions. I want to put shared experiences in the bank of our shared history. I care about what they’re having for dinner!
True friendship is so hard to find, maintain, and grow in modern adult life. I’ve thought a lot about Anne Helen Petersen’s article about how much happier we’d all be if we lived close to friends since I read it in April, and of course there’s so much to be said in favor of living in close proximity to your friends, and/or being friends with your neighbors. But in most cases, that’s not remotely realistic.
Texting is a potential remedy. A lot of people do the daily chit-chat over text. And if you’re able to keep up with multiple streams of text conversation with multiple friends and family members, good on you.
I personally cannot—and it’s a source of huge anxiety. The more thoughtful of a response the message requires, the longer I leave it. The longer I leave it, the more I feel guilty for leaving it that long. I think to myself, “When I have a minute, I’ll give this my full attention.” Inevitably, when I do have that minute, I’m completely fried and spend 30 minutes scrolling into the oblivion instead of five minutes responding to someone I adore. It makes no sense, I admit.
Then, you have phone calls. I am 100% pro spontaneous, unscheduled phone calls. Here’s why:
Proximity isn’t a limiting factor
Time zones aren’t that big of a deal
It’s cheap
It can be short
You can pick up a lot from someone’s voice that you can’t from their typing
This spring, I’ve gotten in the habit of calling my parents when I’m out for a walk, and not only does the conversation usually extend the length of the walk (healthy, etc.), but because I walk so much in my life, I call my parents more! In most American cities, there’s often a lot of time in the car. Another good opportunity to call someone!
I abide by the principle that if I can’t get an hour of exercise, 10 minutes is better than nothing. I apply the same thing to phone calls.
And as for the unscheduled factor, there’s something really nice about catching someone mid-activity or mid-thought. I find that as soon as they answer, they start telling you about what they’ve been in the middle of. I love that—it feels like being with them during their day.
But Petersen is right: close physical proximity changes everything. Since my good friend and her family moved within a five minute walk of us, I see her probably 3x as often as before. It’s great! It’s this friend’s move and the resulting spontaneity of our recent time together that got me thinking about this topic.
It really feels like we’re neighbors now, and the nature of our interactions is so different from planning weeks in advance to meet for a coffee catch up. I can walk with her on daycare pickup if I’m done with work for the day. She can accompany me around the block to pick up my CSA box. I can be at her house and run home quickly to grab something.
And here’s another thing. There’s less pressure on making plans—but there’s also less pressure on canceling. Millennials know we love to cancel plans and stay home. But when you haven’t seen the person in six months, canceling feels higher stakes: sadder and more rude. But if you see each other at least once a week, it’s no big deal to cancel now and then, and to generally be more flexible.
But again, close proximity just isn’t possible with everyone you love and want to stay in close touch with. This specific situation with one friend is a special gift right now. Both my husband and I have families and friends who live far away. But I’m personally making an effort to use every method possible to be spontaneous with the faraway people, too. I find it makes them feel closer.
Ideas for spontaneous friendship time
Call them on your commute, while you’re cooking, walking, etc.
Run an errand together
Meet them at a restaurant on both of your way home from work
Ask them to borrow the proverbial cup of sugar
Drop them a note in the mail
Send them a book or other small item that made you think of them
Make them a meal and ask when is a good time to drop it off
Go running, hiking, bike riding, or to a workout class together on short notice
Text them when you’re in their neighborhood/area of town
Make a standing weekly coffee date
Invite them on a day trip with a couple of days’ notice
So, how do I have the free time in the first place to do things spontaneously? Three huge deals are (1) my flexible, self-determined work schedule, (2) the fact that I don’t have children, and (3) the dense urban area I live in that makes it easier both to live in close proximity to friends and to do most errands on foot.
But I also used to wear busyness as a badge of honor... until I basically cleared my schedule this year. I made a conscious choice to travel less after a whirlwind 2022, to slow down, have more free time, and protect my free time. I don’t go out to eat and drink much anymore; I’m getting much more fulfillment out of cooking at home. I have minimal beauty and personal care appointments on the calendar. My husband and I go into many weekends with 0-1 events on the calendar, and that gives us long stretches of unscheduled time.
Then, if we feel like waking up Saturday morning to take a day trip around New England, we can. If we want to have friends over for Sunday lunch or dinner, we can. If we want to take a picnic blanket to the park and spend three hours reading, we can. If we want to spend the weekend doing the important work of dreaming and reflecting and brainstorming our future, we can. If a friend asks me if I want to do something right away or in a couple of hours, I can.
As for my texts… If you’re currently sitting on ‘read’ in my text or email or Instagram inbox waiting for a response, you know who you are and you know I adore you. And you know I will text you back—but I might also call you out of the blue or invite you over to my house for dinner, tonight.
Tell me your thoughts on spontaneity with friends—Are you actively pursuing it? Do you fear it? Do you wish you had it but don’t see a path there? Leave a comment below or hit reply on this email to respond directly.
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Weekly updates and recs
NOTE: There’s a shorter list of recs this week because I’m preparing a huge list of seasonal summer recommendations that will go out to paid subscribers on Saturday. If you want to receive that, future quarterly seasonal roundups, and other exclusive content, click here to adjust your subscription settings. Whether you’re a free or paid subscriber, as always, I’m grateful for you, you’re so welcome in this community, and you’ll continue getting these newsletters weekly.
Making: Ingredient-first dinners
I signed up for a weekly summer CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) box from one of our local farms, and its contents are always a surprise. This has been a really fun way for me to cook—rather than picking a recipe first and then making the shopping list, I’m starting with fresh, local veggies and choosing the recipe around those. Last night, I made omelets with sautéed green onions from the box, and a big green salad with lettuce from the box.
Reading: The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron
I’m only a few chapters in, so I can’t give you a full review. But this book (which many of you may have heard of and read) lays out a structured process to build a creative practice. She popularized the idea of “morning pages”—longhand stream-of-consciousness writing you do every day as soon as you wake up—and several other habits aimed at building consistency and removing blocks to your creative output. I bought it years ago and pulled it off the shelf this week because I thought it might interest my husband at this moment in time. Then I promptly dug into it myself, so he’ll have to wait his turn!
Also reading: Apparently the Uffizi Gallery’s Director is a punctuation dictator
He sent out a memo to all museum staff laying out his demands. Good thing he’s not judging my writing! !!! Thanks to my brother for sharing this funny article.
Watching: The series finale of Never Have I Ever on Netflix
If you haven’t yet discovered this show, it’s a teen comedy/drama created by Mindy Kaling. A totally original and charming take on a coming-of-age story that follows a nerdy, competitive Indian-American high schooler, Devi, from freshman to senior year over four seasons. My favorite hilarious detail? Devi’s inner monologue is narrated by tennis player John McEnroe.
Buying: Raffia belt from Sézane
I’ve been a huge fan of the Sézane brand since the beginning and it was really fun to be invited to the grand opening of their pop-up store on Boston’s Newbury Street last week. I sort of impulse-purchased this belt at the event, but I’ve already worn it quite a few times and find it fills a wardrobe hole. I love it with an otherwise all-white outfit to define the waist. So summery!
By the way, I updated my carry-on travel checklist with all your suggestions from Instagram and will continue to do so as they roll in. I’m hoping it can become a resource you can bookmark and return to—I know I will!
xx Jane
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I am truthfully putting my phone away several hours a day - it is not as much fun to go out with a couple friend any-longer and their son as they are all on their phones and drink too much - I get home so drained and do a face plant on my bed…..face down - they keep saying we must celebrate your 70th B-day…..they have made plans to go out with other friends but busy busy busy to go out with me and I have noticed it has been gradual since I retired from the Capitol snd this spring as my B-day was April 🙋🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🙅🏻♀️it has opened other doors for me - and it happened for a reason or a season, or forever🤷🏻♀️anyway three hours of Palates a week and starting to get my steps in again after three months of not! Seeing a good mind body soul health professional and eating right and working on my Catholic classes…..frantically cleaning and going thru my closet and every drawer in my apt💟✝️💟✝️it has opened up doors for me - oh and writing a ton of notes with a pic attached - Great Minds think a like🫶💁🏻♀️🫶🙋🏻♀️XoXo Love you my dear 💕💞💕💞😇
Always fun and interesting to read and learn - also…..motivation as I need that. 💕🩷💕🩷