Thoughts on hospitality in 2024

What it means to be hospitable: to strangers, guests, and even yourself

Hello and welcome to this week’s edition of The Bell!

“Be not inhospitable to strangers, lest they be angels in disguise.”

Hebrews 13:2

This Bible verse is painted above a much-photographed doorway in the Shakespeare and Company bookstore in Paris. That doorway is actually the first place I ever read the verse, though I now know it’s so ubiquitous as to even be misattributed to W.B. Yeats.

Photo attribution: https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=50635627

The same teaching occurs in India and Nepal, where hospitality is based on the principle Atithi Devo Bhava, meaning "the guest is God". This principle is shown in a number of stories where a guest is revealed to be a god who rewards the provider for their hospitality.

In Ancient Greece, if you showed up at someone’s house randomly, you had the right to hospitality (probably meaning something to eat and drink and a place to sleep, but maybe also some entertainment). But as the guest, you also had to abide by a certain code of conduct. (I think that’s fair!)

Hospitality is as old as humankind, though it’s evolved some since the ancient days when any weary traveler on the road could stop at the nearest house and expect to be taken in.

Hospitality is defined as “the friendly and generous reception and entertainment of guests, visitors, or strangers.” The idea that hospitality even still extends to strangers in our society is radical and pretty much foreign in 2024. We’re all so afraid of each other—sometimes for valid reasons, and other times, not so much. (I include myself in this; I could probably afford to dial it back watching true crime shows since they don’t depict anything that’s actually likely to happen.)

After all, some of the most worthwhile interactions in life happen between strangers. Remember, everyone you love except your blood relatives was a stranger at some point, right?

Being hospitable to strangers doesn’t have to mean leaving your front door unlocked. It can mean giving up your seat on public transit to someone less able-bodied than you. It can mean buying an extra coffee and breakfast sandwich and handing it to the unhoused person outside the Starbucks (and asking them their name). It can mean encouraging the guests invited to your party to bring a friend you’ve never met.

It can mean giving the benefit of the doubt!!!

That could be the most powerful thing to make progress toward reducing fear and anger and resentment toward people we don’t know. When someone is doing something that’s totally not okay in your book, putting the most generous possible construction on their behavior is an important form of hospitality.

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I’ve written a lot in this newsletter about hospitality to invited guests. For newer subscribers who may not have dived (dove?) into the archives, I’ve collected those articles here:

The Door Bell: Hospitality preparedness

The Dinner Bell: The joy of a party diary

The Door Bell: In praise of the ding dong ditch

The Dinner Bell: Tiptoeing towards spontaneity

The Dinner Bell: A case for having friends over on a weeknight

I think if I had to summarize my thesis about hospitality to your loved ones, it sounds a lot like the Nike slogan: Just do it.

Don’t wait to be asked for your generosity, just show up and give. Drop off food on the doorstep. Send a gift card. Write a handwritten note. If the little thing you see in a shop reminds you of somebody, just buy it for them.

And don’t wait for the perfect time or the right occasion to invite people over to your house. Don’t wait for the renovation to be done, your cooking skills to improve, or even to have the right number of chairs. (I’m significantly short on chairs for the number of people I’ve invited to Easter lunch, and we will make it work!) Just throw some flowers in a vase, light some candles, and have people over. Your home is good enough as is, and you are doing enough as you are.

Just open your doors. Just do it.

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Last week, I took a wonderful vacation in Florida with my mom, where I experienced some of the best professional hospitality of my life. Every single person working in every role in the hotel was an absolute delight.

Friendliness and accommodation are part of the job description at a luxury hotel, of course, and the Florida sunshine doesn’t hurt as a mood booster. But a valet named David told us that his desire to be hospitable is genuine for him and many of his colleagues—and how employees who don’t share that attitude simply don’t last long at the hotel.

His colleague Alejandro brought our bags to our room upon arrival. He didn’t just drop them off and head out; he gave us a tour of the room. Where to find complimentary bottled water and filtered tap water, where to find a wine opener, how to order room service, all about the different restaurants onsite, etc. He even asked if we needed recommendations for where to eat dinner off the property! David said he goes so far as to help elderly guests hang clothes in the closet if that’s helpful for them. A pool attendant named Chantal snagged us prime, ocean-facing pool loungers while we were at lunch one day.

Now, I like to think that my mom and I are kinder and more respectful than the average guest, and that that’s rewarded with small favors. Plus the fact that many staff members work in hospitality as a career, not on their way to something else. But this specific hotel must also be a good employer for people to genuinely like their jobs so much.

We noticed that turnover is low; after being guests at this hotel for several years in a row, we feel like we’re friends with some of the front desk, housekeeping, valet, and restaurant staff because we see the same faces over and over, and have a chance to chat and catch up every year. One restaurant server told us she’s been there for 10 years. And we learned they can take as much time off as they want to.

And we know it pays well. I’m not sure about salaries, but 20% gratuity is automatically included in every food and beverage purchase (not sure about the spa, but probably that too), saving the staff from stingy tippers. Our favorite valet, Rudy, immigrated to the U.S. from Cuba in 2016 and bought a house at the end of 2023. I’m not sure if he started working at the hotel right away, but even if he did, seven years of saving for homeownership is lightening speed in this economy.

If this doesn’t say “Welcome!!!” I don’t know what does.

Anyway, I share all this because it’s clear that the hotel is a hospitable work environment, and that translates directly to the guest experience. Hospitality begets hospitality. Any company thinking they can overwork and underpay their employees and still expect top-notch customer service is… wrong.

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And for all my people pleasers out there, my accommodators, my givers: hospitality probably comes easily to you. You’re friendly. You’re generous. You anticipate the needs of others.

But do allow yourself to receive? Do you care for yourself and allow others to care for you? Here are some ways you can extend hospitality to yourself:

• Rest.

• Recognize when you’re overloaded and say no to taking on anything else

• Let yourself accept help even if you’re not desperate for it

• Communicate your needs (practice with something small and low stakes, then work up to bigger asks)

• Remember how good it feels to be of service to others, then give others the gift of that same feeling when they can be of service to you

• Make a nice little moment around a meal when you’re eating alone: set the table, use a cloth napkin, get out the special china

• Don’t feel guilty and indebted when people help you. Love is not transactional. Even if you’re not able to pay it back, you’re probably able to pay it forward.

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What are your thoughts on hospitality? Tell me in the comments or hit reply to this email.

I’ll be back on schedule with the recommendations newsletter this Friday. And I’m working on my big Spring Equinox recommendations newsletter for paid subscribers, going out March 20th.

xx Jane